The other day, I was on a call for work with a guest that we were going to interview for our podcast. It was about five minutes before the recording was to start, a time where we can chat with the guest to work out any sound issues or answer any last-minute questions before we kick off the recording. He and I were the only ones on the line at the time when I asked him how his day was going so far. His response, followed by a chuckle, was “that was a very California question to ask.” (This fella lives in the country just north of me.)

Now I, not actually being from California (I’ve lived in five different states, y’all), was taken aback by this response as this question was one I would have asked when making small talk in any state in which I’ve lived. So, I asked him what he meant by his statement and he went on to tell me that it was a question asked when someone only wanted to hear the response “fine.” I was glad my camera wasn’t on so he couldn’t see my look of surprise, but I quickly told him that I would love to hear more detail about how his day was going, which then triggered him to elaborate.

So, I got to wondering, what should I have asked? Are there better ways we can interact with people to really help them know that we want an honest answer, whether good, bad or somewhere in between? 

Having studied journalism and written my fair share of press releases and articles, I know the rule of the 5 Ws and H being how you should start questions to gather as much information as possible, so where did I go wrong with my question? It’s a head scratcher, for sure. But, it led me to brainstorm how we can zhuzh (<– I had to look up how to spell that) up our questions to at least make people pause before spitting out the word “fine.” Here’s what I came up with:

1. What has gone well for you so far today?
2. What happened that made you smile today?
3. What are you most looking forward to today?
4. What’s one thing you can do to make your day better?
5. How do you spell zhuzh? (Okay, I’m kidding here, though I’m fairly certain it would make someone stop and consider your question!)

Now, I’m a mom of a teenager and a preteen and any of these questions would still result in a one-word response:

1. Nothing
2. Nothing
3. Nothing
4. Nothing
5. *Shrug* accompanied by a sound I could only assume means “I don’t know.”

Maybe I don’t expect much more than that from really anyone, but it doesn’t mean I’m not open to hearing more. So, where are we going wrong? Is it the assumption that the questioner just wants an easy answer, or that the questionee doesn’t care to elaborate? Is there some sort of button we can wear that says “Let’s talk,” or “Don’t talk to me”? 

[Insert shrug here.]

I don’t know the answer, but maybe I’ll at least take an extra moment to pause and look whomever I’m talking to in the eye when I ask them how their day is going, and if hear “fine” back, I can follow up with one of my other questions to see if it gets more of a response.

The key then is to actually listen to their response. Now that’s a whole ‘nother topic in and of itself.

Note: After I wrote this, I did ask my 17-year-old son how to spell zhuzh. He stopped, said hmmmm, and responded that there were a couple of phonetic spellings you could use like, and I kid you not, zhuzh. Hey, it got us talking and laughing, and those of you that are parents of teens, well, you know just how valuable that is.